Going Up, Up, Up

Be ready to live and it'll be ripped right out of my hands
Maybe someday we'll take a ride
We'll go up, up, up and everything will be just fine

As I was procrastinating from my work tonight, I came across this awesome video about this amazing AMAZING kid. You need to watch this video. SERIOUSLY.

Zach Sobiech was diagnosed with terminal osteosarcoma (a rare form of bone cancer) in 2012 and recently passed away. When diagnosed, he decided to forgo more treatments and potential amputations in favor of living his life as fully as possible. One of the things he did was turn to music to express himself and leave his own legacy on the world.

Watching this, I'm reminded of just how much I have been blessed with. I am so incredibly lucky in my life and I so often lose sight of that. So often the problems I have seem so important and so earth shakingly large when really they are completely inconsequential. What do I have to complain about? I am alive and healthy and loved. That is everything. That right there is everything.

Every once in a while we need to remember this - we need to refocus on what is important. We need to remember that life is precious and is FULL of beautiful moments. I need to start living better - like my time here is limited. Because it is.

Put your hand on your heart. Do you feel it beating? Do you? You're ALIVE right now. How amazing is that? You have time to do things. You have this moment and the next and the next. But don't wait for the next moment - seize one right now to take full advantage of your life as it is right now.

Tell the people you love how much they mean to you. Do the things that make you happy. Approach every day not as a burden or something to get through, but as an opportunity to find beauty or happiness and sow these things in the lives of others. Do not be bound by fear - fear of being judged, fear of failing, fear of the unknown. Embrace your own power and love what you are. The right people will love you too.

So even though it's 1:40 AM and I still have half a paper to write, laundry to do, studying, and sleeping to do before practice tomorrow I am so happy in this moment to be alive and ready to make even more changes in my life.

This life is precious. Don't waste it.

Also check out Zach's song "Clouds" - sweet, charming, sad, and happy all at once.

Pitter-Pat

Pitter-pat the angel on my shoulder
Is haunting me tonight
Tick-tock the clock
Is getting louder waiting for me to decide

I know it's been a while but here I am second guessing again. I'm going to try my best to refrain from being overly dramatic. Now here it is:

Please try not to gag. I have to decide: between two people.

One I want to hate. I want to be rid of him so much. I thought I loved him, but when I look back on it, I find myself looking at a relationship where I wasn't treated good enough. Now I don't need fancy things or every ounce of your attention. But I do want to know I mean the world to you and when you go home at night you're thinking of me. With him, I was never sure. And I still can't be sure. But every time I see him I feel like we should be together again and yet neither of us will say or do it. Plus who knows what he's been doing since we ended.

The other I want to love. He's so nice to me and so funny. He never fails to make me smile and I can talk to him for hours. But I'm just not sure I feel a real connection. Sometimes it seems like it, but then other times I'm not sure or I find myself thinking about the other one. He treats me how  I should be treated and when I go home at night I know he's only thinking about me. But I'm thinking about them both and I feel so many different shades of guilty because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.

I'm so stuck. I think it's between something I want and something I need. I can't figure it out and I feel like I can't say anything to either of them because that would only tip off a giant triangle of drama- and I don't need drama.

I'm running out of time. And I can't decide.

Feel Real

And if it's not real,
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it

Write about things that are real and true, write about things you know and you'll have something great. That's what I've heard anyways. So here I go writing about things that are real and true. At least to me.

Sometimes it feels like words are not enough. I can't describe what I'm feeling or thinking or what I want to be doing. Sometimes I completely and utterly don't understand myself. I search and I struggle for the right way to convey myself and my thoughts, but I feel like I always come up short, like I'm missing the key piece to explaining exactly what it is I'm trying to say. Is that crazy?

Sometimes I feel crazy - like I say and do things that make absolutely no sense. Sometimes I feel things that make no sense. I start writing with all these thoughts and things to say, but then I feel like I need to stop. I need to keep going and make myself write - even if I am crazy. The world is crazy.

I think I was in love. I say think because I don't know. It's not like I can't function without this person or not a second goes by where I don't think about this person, but we really had something. And it was something I never had with anyone else. Maybe it's because I was older, more mature, knew more about what I wanted, or maybe I was most honest. To be honest, I was almost as terrified of the way this person could make me feel as I was captivated by it. But they went off to college and so I decided to end it. And it was really hard to do that because I still don't know if that's what I wanted. Anyways, I thought it would be easy to be friends, but turns out neither of us was really ready to be friends and mixed up feelings coupled with little communication led to some misunderstandings and probably some feelings getting hurt. Regardless, they came back to visit and we met up and I felt a lot of the old things again. I had convinced myself I had moved on to a point, but I realize now that I don't think I did. I feel like I can't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. Anyways, the point is when we were together, I wanted to reach out and touch this person, I wanted to sit with our arms around each other, I wanted to kiss them. And something might have happened, but before it could, I stopped it. We talked about everything - or as much as we could talk about it and that was really hard too because I didn't know what would be said and if it would be what I wanted to hear. Turns out, neither of us really truly over the other one, but it feels useless to me to try and make something work because we are so far apart from each other, we both have such busy schedules, and who knows what goes on at college. I don't and in this case, I don't think I want to know. But then they go and tell me things like how special I am and how there's no one they've met that measures up to me. And I believe it. And in that moment, I want so bad to be able to make things work, but I know they can't. And it's one of the worst feelings in the world to have the very thing you want sitting two feet in front of you but knowing you're separated by miles. Now I can't stop thinking about this person or my decision to split with them all I know is I want them here with me now. It's so hard to say the right things to them and it's so hard to be friends because I want to be more but at the same time feel like I should try and move on. But I'm not ready to move on and if I do, it might crush the other person.

So now I'm almost back to square one. And I hate this person so much because they can do this to me and make me second guess myself and cut right through me. But I think I still love them. So I can't hold this person with my hands, but I can feel them in my heart. So should I believe it all?

Say "I Am"

Don't take it for granted, no

We are all miracles

Say "I am wonderful"

We are all beautiful. We are all wonderful. Life is in itself a gift. Us and everything around us is really something beautiful and most of the time we don't even notice. Sometimes we need to just let go of most of the things in our life that trouble us or weigh us down. And remember that someone loves us, whether it is our family, our friends, or sorry to be a bit religious, God. And because someone loves us, our lives have a purpose. We have a reason to exist and to be. So we should never discount ourselves and even when things go wrong, even if they are terrible, remember that we are wonderful. And we are miracles. And no matter what anyone says or does, that will never change.