Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart
And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been


This should be more like an online journal.

Want to know a secret? This is the depth of my vanity and self-consciousness.

I'm terrified for spring break. Why?

Because I'm at a record high weight.

I know - by regular standards, I'm not fat. I know this. But compared to how I used to be and compared to other elite athletes, I'm so out of shape it is unreal.

And it's supposed to be easy right? You want to be toned, you want to be leaner, just eat better. Eat a little less. Make healthy changes. Have some self-control.

But for me, it's not that easy. And the scariest part for me is, it's all-consuming. What do I mean? I mean every time I walk past a reflective surface is an invitation to pick myself apart - how do my legs look today? If I stand up straighter will I look thinner? When people look at me do they see how fat I am? How could anyone want me when I look this?

And every moment of every day becomes what am I going to do at the next meal? How will I justify my bad choices to myself? Will I have any self-control? Will I hate myself even more after? What if I get hungry before then and can't control it?

I used to be bulimic. I hate labels and I don't know if I can really call what I was doing bulimia, but for simplicity's sake I was bulimic. I'd have periods of weeks where I was completely fine and making mostly good choices and then all of a sudden a couple of bad choices and then crushing guilt then before I knew it, I was stuffing my face with anything in sight until I was sick.

And then I would bring it all back. My toothbrush would glare at me from the corner, stained with my own self-loathing, simultaneously beckoning and repulsing me. I would throw up and keep throwing up until it hurt and until I was only getting rid of bile and water.

The funny thing is, you begin to know what works best - ice cream and peanut butter were great coming back up, Indian and cakes not so much.Then would follow the cleaning and swishing routine - gurgle with water, swish it around my mouth, drink a bunch of water, finish with some baking soda. I knew the repercussions of stomach acid - but I was smarter than that. I could thwart my own body's survival mechanisms. I could use my knowledge to beat my biological programming. Next I'd mop up the toilet seat, the ground around, and the bowl underneath cause the back of the toilet seat gets pretty gnarly too. When the water splashes, it has to go somewhere (although my personal favorite was gobs coming back and hitting my face). Disgusted yet?

Even funnier still is the fact that you get so good at hiding it - sometimes I'd run the shower when my roommate was home. Or wait until she went to bed. Or go somewhere else. I would literally trek across campus sometimes to find a bathroom where I could hurl in peace.

There was one time when I went into this bathroom in a student center and evidently forgot to lock the door. Someone barged in right as I was hurling up. The poor girl rushed out apologizing profusely while I gave a half-hearted smile and mumbled something like "It's ok" momentarily shocked out of my puke reverie. Staring into the pool of my own insides and waging a battle with myself whether or not to continue.  Hating myself for doing it and hating myself more for not finishing. So of course I finished, cleaned myself up, then swore it was the last time.

How many times did I swear it was the last time? How many? Too many. Too many. Until I finally said I'm going to make a change and I got some help.

I'm not seeking sympathy in writing this - and I know that's cliched and is the equivalent of saying "I'm fine" when really nothing is fine at all. But as I'm writing this, I actually understand what people mean  by saying that, provided they're being genuine. Take my word for it (for whatever it's worth) I am being genuine. I don't want sympathy I don't want to preach about how hard my life is or anything like that. All I wanted to do is show what it looked like to be in my mind and what it's still like in there.

See because unfortunately what I've learned through all of this is that once people get into negative thought patterns it's hard to break out. And when you know these thoughts are completely irrational, it becomes pretty scary up in there. But I'm not there anymore. I still have dark moments and a lot of moments of self-hate but I also better know how to deal with it now and I want to be totally better so I can talk about it and help other people. Sorry this is a long one.

Ok that's all I have on this for now,

21 Day Challenge

I've had enough. I'm so fed up with myself I can't even begin to tell you...anyways.

DISCLAIMER: If you do not wish to hear the rants of a young adult about body image, dieting, etc then TURN BACK NOW. If you do wish to hear my irrelevant thoughts on myself and nutrition (YET AGAIN) then read on!

I know I've talked about this before and I also know everyone and their mom is always going on about dieting and health and blah blah blah. We get it. We know. Sugar is bad for you. Processed foods are bad blah blah blah.

BUT HERE'S THE THING. I LOVE LOVE LOVE all these foods that are bad for me. And when I start eating one, there is no stopping me! I can eat an entire bag of chips in one sitting or a box of peanut butter cups (i'm talking the tall plastic box from Trader Joe's. You know what's up). A pint of Ben and Jerry's? No problem. Oh did we order this pizza to share? That's funny because I already ate it all. You see what I mean? My stomach is truly the bottomless pit!

NOW HERE'S THE OTHER THING. I can eat and eat and eat because I LOVE my junk food but the thing is, when I'm done, I don't feel satisfied. I either feel so full I feel sick or I feel so guilty and terrible that I wish I had never had even one bite. So you would think "Well gee, if you know you feel so terrible afterwards, why even start in the first place??" That's just it. I DON'T KNOW. I don't know why I get such ridiculous cravings and why I always always always over do it.

HERE'S THE LAST THING. I'm very dissatisfied with how I look. I used to be much more fit, much more toned and much leaner. I want to get back there so bad, but my willpower and self-control seem to display otherwise. From the way I eat, you'd think I was trying to gain weight as quickly as possible. I know what's right and I know what's wrong. I know I feel terrible after giving in to my cravings and I know my willpower is pretty weak. Which leaves me frustrated. What's a girl to do??

I want to be safe and healthy, but I also want to look good, feel good, and perform well (athlete remember). So I think if I write these things out it might help. I also think that if I can be diligent about writing about my day to day on here that will help too.

Now here's the plan: they say it takes 21 days to break a habit. So here's what I'm going to do. Starting right now at this very moment, I'm going to go 21 days without refined sugar, gluten, caffeine, dairy, or legumes. I'm going to stay within the cooked realm though because it can get pretty difficult to do all uncooked. So I need to have a pretty specific plan and identify the places I'm most likely to slip up (and why). First, I need to snack on fruits and veggies throughout the day. This will keep my hunger in check and my energy high. Second, I need to not spend so much time in the dining hall. The longer I spend there, the more likely I am to make a bad decision. Third, I need to keep snacks out of my room - if I have snacks there, I WILL snack until the cows come home - effectively undoing all the good things I do during the day.

Going Up, Up, Up

Be ready to live and it'll be ripped right out of my hands
Maybe someday we'll take a ride
We'll go up, up, up and everything will be just fine

As I was procrastinating from my work tonight, I came across this awesome video about this amazing AMAZING kid. You need to watch this video. SERIOUSLY.

Zach Sobiech was diagnosed with terminal osteosarcoma (a rare form of bone cancer) in 2012 and recently passed away. When diagnosed, he decided to forgo more treatments and potential amputations in favor of living his life as fully as possible. One of the things he did was turn to music to express himself and leave his own legacy on the world.

Watching this, I'm reminded of just how much I have been blessed with. I am so incredibly lucky in my life and I so often lose sight of that. So often the problems I have seem so important and so earth shakingly large when really they are completely inconsequential. What do I have to complain about? I am alive and healthy and loved. That is everything. That right there is everything.

Every once in a while we need to remember this - we need to refocus on what is important. We need to remember that life is precious and is FULL of beautiful moments. I need to start living better - like my time here is limited. Because it is.

Put your hand on your heart. Do you feel it beating? Do you? You're ALIVE right now. How amazing is that? You have time to do things. You have this moment and the next and the next. But don't wait for the next moment - seize one right now to take full advantage of your life as it is right now.

Tell the people you love how much they mean to you. Do the things that make you happy. Approach every day not as a burden or something to get through, but as an opportunity to find beauty or happiness and sow these things in the lives of others. Do not be bound by fear - fear of being judged, fear of failing, fear of the unknown. Embrace your own power and love what you are. The right people will love you too.

So even though it's 1:40 AM and I still have half a paper to write, laundry to do, studying, and sleeping to do before practice tomorrow I am so happy in this moment to be alive and ready to make even more changes in my life.

This life is precious. Don't waste it.

Also check out Zach's song "Clouds" - sweet, charming, sad, and happy all at once.

Resistance

I'm breathing fast
I've never felt my heart like this
It's sinking in my head
I've lost my chances to resist

Take one guess based on those words: yup. Day one was a bust! You know I just was doing so good until dinner and then wouldn't you know it PECAN PIE. yikes. Let's just say my willpower crumbled like a sand castle underneath a destructive beach goer's foot. Needless to say it's back to the drawing board tomorrow.

On the flip side, I had a pretty good practice today so there's that!

And now onto more important things - things the theoretical people who read this blog might want to know about.

Here's another jam - super old! But super good. It's catchy and synthy which is awesome. And I also really like the somewhat vague yet inspiring lyrics. Take a listen for yourself and let me know what you think. Look for big things from these guys in the years to come.

The Journey Begins..

Starting tomorrow,
Come on a journey with me. No this isn't the kind of journey you're thinking of. It's much less fun and/or trippy than what you are probably picturing.

Starting tomorrow I'm going 21 days with no dessert and proper size portions. Blah blah blah not another girl with a blog talking about DIETING. NO.

First of all, I am strongly opposed to dieting in general. I mean look at the word - the first three letters spell DIE. But here's the thing - I'm an elite level swimmer and that means I need to take extra good care of my body. Plus, I also don't really have a lot of physical gifts - I'm 5'6 and have tiny hands and feet. I also am not naturally very long and lean, HENCE I need all the help I can get to compete with the 6'1 size 12 feet girls that I race against. HENCE I need to make sure I fuel myself properly.

Now I'm kind of a food nerd. I've read about 3 books about the benefits of eating raw/eating Paleo. Basically if you know anything about health and nutrition these days, experts are saying that we need to eat whole, unprocessed foods and food that isn't cooked is better for you (but don't go around just eating raw eggs and meat now!). Anyways, so I know how I should be eating but I also LOVE LOVE LOVE to eat junk food and really any food that's bad for you. SO.

I need to fix this because like I said I need all the help I can get. Starting tomorrow, I will take this 21 day journey and let you (proverbial "you" since I pretty much know for a fact no one reads this!) know how it all goes. Hopefully I'll begin to feel better (as in more energetic, better fueled) and feel better about myself! Keep your fingers crossed that I'll have the power to say no to many of my favorite things!

And here's a little athlete inspiration:

Young and Beautiful

Will you still love me
When I'm no longer young and beautiful

So I'm seriously going through a Lana del Rey phase. She is FIERCE. And not only that she is HOT and young and beautiful (duh why do you think she wrote the song). I know what you're thinking: "What is this girl talking about Lana is freaking out of her mind! She's bizarre and not even that good of a singer!"

WRONG.

First yes she is bizarre but whatever! She knows who she is and she don't give a cur what anyone else has to say about it. Part 1 of why she is so awesome - she lets her freak flag fly and looks fabulous while doing it.

Part 2 - her music is BOMB. I can hear you right now "Really? 'Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful' that sounds pretty lame and self-centered if you ask me." You're wrong again. First of all, yes she is freaking gorgeous and she knows it (you can't not know when you look like LDR) but on the real she knows that's what she has going for her so it's a legitimate concern when giving yourself/your love to someone else: how do you know they're not just with you for your looks? This is just one example - listen to her other stuff. Her voice is pretty much the definition of sultry, her range is unreal (not like Mariah Carey but seriously listen to Blue Jeans, it's pretty impressive), and she just works it. Not only that, but she writes her own stuff and her subject matter isn't entirely terrible either. I mean it's actually pretty fascinating the way she has a vintage sound that's very soft and subtle but she sings about the fast moving modern lifestyle and the many problems you can face from love/damaged relationships.

Basically, I aspire to be LDR. She's young, hot, successful, and confident in who she is - isn't that like the definition of what young girls should aspire to be? Sure she's somewhat trashy and extremely sexual but whatever! When you look like that you can be! And it's not like she's all over the news for doing drugs or sleeping with a whole bunch of people or getting naked everywhere - she's just doing her work making music and being a performer!

Disclaimer: I am not advocating that all young girls should try and be inappropriately trashy and sexual just because or that you need to look what society has told us is "hot" in order to be confident and fierce. I'm simply saying that you can't hate on LDR for being cray when she's literally just rocking what she's got which is what everyone should do! Let's all channel a little Lana and be confident being weird - and looking fabulous while we do it.

And now the most relevant Lana song to life right now:

It's Time

It's time to begin, isn't it
I get a little bit bigger than this
I'll admit

Today marks the beginning of the next phase in my life - the phase where I stop making excuses, the phase where I become solid - someone people can turn to and depend upon in moments of high pressure. It marks the beginning of my diet - I WILL REACH MY WEIGHT GOAL NO MATTER WHAT (don't worry it's a perfectly healthy weight a la my senior year of high school). I will be more organized and care of the things that need to be taken care of first. I will be active, stretch, have fun, and recover. I will sleep more - go to bed earlier and nap during the day.

Most of all: I WILL HAVE CONFIDENCE. Something I've struggled with in the past, but I'm done with that now. I'm sick of it, of being that girl who always is holding back tears. Screw it. I looked myself in the eye and said "I don't want to feel that way again." I need to fully embrace the fact that my journey - while it may not go exactly as planned - is different from anyone else's and belongs solely to me. And it's time to take charge of that. 

It's going to take some more steps to get where I want to be. I know what it means to work hard and I know what it means to sacrifice- I've been doing it for the better part of 11 years. I DESERVE to achieve my goals so now I have to set myself on that path. I WILL BECOME MORE THAN EXCELLENT.

And that starts today. 

It's time to begin. 

Pitter-Pat

Pitter-pat the angel on my shoulder
Is haunting me tonight
Tick-tock the clock
Is getting louder waiting for me to decide

I know it's been a while but here I am second guessing again. I'm going to try my best to refrain from being overly dramatic. Now here it is:

Please try not to gag. I have to decide: between two people.

One I want to hate. I want to be rid of him so much. I thought I loved him, but when I look back on it, I find myself looking at a relationship where I wasn't treated good enough. Now I don't need fancy things or every ounce of your attention. But I do want to know I mean the world to you and when you go home at night you're thinking of me. With him, I was never sure. And I still can't be sure. But every time I see him I feel like we should be together again and yet neither of us will say or do it. Plus who knows what he's been doing since we ended.

The other I want to love. He's so nice to me and so funny. He never fails to make me smile and I can talk to him for hours. But I'm just not sure I feel a real connection. Sometimes it seems like it, but then other times I'm not sure or I find myself thinking about the other one. He treats me how  I should be treated and when I go home at night I know he's only thinking about me. But I'm thinking about them both and I feel so many different shades of guilty because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.

I'm so stuck. I think it's between something I want and something I need. I can't figure it out and I feel like I can't say anything to either of them because that would only tip off a giant triangle of drama- and I don't need drama.

I'm running out of time. And I can't decide.

Dancing

And if you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance

Sometimes words can't quite express a feeling or a moment. Sometimes an action, a gesture, and a movement speak volumes. Sometimes these things can say everything you need to say without speaking. Here's a few dances that I thought were really inspiring and really amazing from "So You Think You Can Dance." I'm not really a TV junkie, but this show and what these people can do with their bodies is really cool. So here's a collection of some of my favorites.

Fix You - Robert and Allison
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TsR1yiAe9g&feature=related

If It Kills Me - Jeanine and Jason
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YN3yssIKnto&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Gravity - Kayla and Kupono
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_48OKZqYzHM&feature=related

This Woman's Work - Melissa and Ade
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1wr42lSuo8

Hallelujah - Alex and Allison
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HShpoVtjzko&feature=related

2 Steps Away - Kathryn and Legacy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etIvERHl0Qg&feature=related

Fallin' - Adechike and Comfort
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncgu_-7hCgY&feature=fvst

Calling You - Travis and Heidi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADBgqJgfU7M&feature=related

Silence - Jessica and Will
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNBSCdbJ6EM&feature=related

The Chairman's Waltz - Hok and Jamie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gF_izDK1jY

Why - Allison and Ivan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDecvqUb-tY&feature=related

Dancing - Lacey and Kameron
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFf1ZGxd70o&feature=related

Feel Real

And if it's not real,
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it

Write about things that are real and true, write about things you know and you'll have something great. That's what I've heard anyways. So here I go writing about things that are real and true. At least to me.

Sometimes it feels like words are not enough. I can't describe what I'm feeling or thinking or what I want to be doing. Sometimes I completely and utterly don't understand myself. I search and I struggle for the right way to convey myself and my thoughts, but I feel like I always come up short, like I'm missing the key piece to explaining exactly what it is I'm trying to say. Is that crazy?

Sometimes I feel crazy - like I say and do things that make absolutely no sense. Sometimes I feel things that make no sense. I start writing with all these thoughts and things to say, but then I feel like I need to stop. I need to keep going and make myself write - even if I am crazy. The world is crazy.

I think I was in love. I say think because I don't know. It's not like I can't function without this person or not a second goes by where I don't think about this person, but we really had something. And it was something I never had with anyone else. Maybe it's because I was older, more mature, knew more about what I wanted, or maybe I was most honest. To be honest, I was almost as terrified of the way this person could make me feel as I was captivated by it. But they went off to college and so I decided to end it. And it was really hard to do that because I still don't know if that's what I wanted. Anyways, I thought it would be easy to be friends, but turns out neither of us was really ready to be friends and mixed up feelings coupled with little communication led to some misunderstandings and probably some feelings getting hurt. Regardless, they came back to visit and we met up and I felt a lot of the old things again. I had convinced myself I had moved on to a point, but I realize now that I don't think I did. I feel like I can't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. Anyways, the point is when we were together, I wanted to reach out and touch this person, I wanted to sit with our arms around each other, I wanted to kiss them. And something might have happened, but before it could, I stopped it. We talked about everything - or as much as we could talk about it and that was really hard too because I didn't know what would be said and if it would be what I wanted to hear. Turns out, neither of us really truly over the other one, but it feels useless to me to try and make something work because we are so far apart from each other, we both have such busy schedules, and who knows what goes on at college. I don't and in this case, I don't think I want to know. But then they go and tell me things like how special I am and how there's no one they've met that measures up to me. And I believe it. And in that moment, I want so bad to be able to make things work, but I know they can't. And it's one of the worst feelings in the world to have the very thing you want sitting two feet in front of you but knowing you're separated by miles. Now I can't stop thinking about this person or my decision to split with them all I know is I want them here with me now. It's so hard to say the right things to them and it's so hard to be friends because I want to be more but at the same time feel like I should try and move on. But I'm not ready to move on and if I do, it might crush the other person.

So now I'm almost back to square one. And I hate this person so much because they can do this to me and make me second guess myself and cut right through me. But I think I still love them. So I can't hold this person with my hands, but I can feel them in my heart. So should I believe it all?

Say "I Am"

Don't take it for granted, no

We are all miracles

Say "I am wonderful"

We are all beautiful. We are all wonderful. Life is in itself a gift. Us and everything around us is really something beautiful and most of the time we don't even notice. Sometimes we need to just let go of most of the things in our life that trouble us or weigh us down. And remember that someone loves us, whether it is our family, our friends, or sorry to be a bit religious, God. And because someone loves us, our lives have a purpose. We have a reason to exist and to be. So we should never discount ourselves and even when things go wrong, even if they are terrible, remember that we are wonderful. And we are miracles. And no matter what anyone says or does, that will never change.

It just takes some time...

It just takes some time

Little girl you're in the middle of the ride

Everything, everything'll be just fine

Everything, everything'll be alright, alright

Sometimes I don't understand people.

and i'm sure i'm not alone on this.

You're supposed to be nice to everyone, but honest, and for some reason, you can't be honest with people most of the time and be nice. I thought as you grow up, you're supposed to mature and be able to work out your problems. You should be able to be straight with people and they should be able to give you that in return. But for some reason, no matter how nice you are to people they turn on you anyways. It sorta makes you wonder, why bother being nice? Why bother keeping everything you want to say bottled up inside? How come people can't just give you back what you give them? I for one am sick of giving and giving only to come up short every time.

You may say "These people obviously aren't real friends" but it's not that easy. And no matter how much they abuse you, for some reason they need you anyways. And if you for one minute can't be there for them or decide not to or decide to for once tell them what you really think, they could make things a whole lot worse.

So you have a choice. Be who they want you to be and put up with all their crap or be who you want to be. alone. tough call.

I guess what i'm really trying to say is i can't wait for college.

Post 1

I don't think people really actually read these that often, but maybe I'm mistaken. Regardless, if you happen to stumble across this page please don't expect to find anything spectacular, overtly reflective, or even relevant. But do expect to find my musings about anything and a general struggle with using these funny things called words to convey my thoughts.

Let's start with a something easy. A poem written just now. Inspired by a book I read.

And she looks at him
With broken eyes
And she’s bleeding
Her hearts on the floor
Dashed and trampled
Under his stare
Cruel, merciless eyes
That see pain and hurt
And suffering
And remain barren
She pleads with him begs
Soundlessly
Searching for anything in those eyes
She’s dying slowly
And it is amazing how agonizing
And brutal and unfeeling
Nothing can be