Feel Real

And if it's not real,
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it

Write about things that are real and true, write about things you know and you'll have something great. That's what I've heard anyways. So here I go writing about things that are real and true. At least to me.

Sometimes it feels like words are not enough. I can't describe what I'm feeling or thinking or what I want to be doing. Sometimes I completely and utterly don't understand myself. I search and I struggle for the right way to convey myself and my thoughts, but I feel like I always come up short, like I'm missing the key piece to explaining exactly what it is I'm trying to say. Is that crazy?

Sometimes I feel crazy - like I say and do things that make absolutely no sense. Sometimes I feel things that make no sense. I start writing with all these thoughts and things to say, but then I feel like I need to stop. I need to keep going and make myself write - even if I am crazy. The world is crazy.

I think I was in love. I say think because I don't know. It's not like I can't function without this person or not a second goes by where I don't think about this person, but we really had something. And it was something I never had with anyone else. Maybe it's because I was older, more mature, knew more about what I wanted, or maybe I was most honest. To be honest, I was almost as terrified of the way this person could make me feel as I was captivated by it. But they went off to college and so I decided to end it. And it was really hard to do that because I still don't know if that's what I wanted. Anyways, I thought it would be easy to be friends, but turns out neither of us was really ready to be friends and mixed up feelings coupled with little communication led to some misunderstandings and probably some feelings getting hurt. Regardless, they came back to visit and we met up and I felt a lot of the old things again. I had convinced myself I had moved on to a point, but I realize now that I don't think I did. I feel like I can't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. Anyways, the point is when we were together, I wanted to reach out and touch this person, I wanted to sit with our arms around each other, I wanted to kiss them. And something might have happened, but before it could, I stopped it. We talked about everything - or as much as we could talk about it and that was really hard too because I didn't know what would be said and if it would be what I wanted to hear. Turns out, neither of us really truly over the other one, but it feels useless to me to try and make something work because we are so far apart from each other, we both have such busy schedules, and who knows what goes on at college. I don't and in this case, I don't think I want to know. But then they go and tell me things like how special I am and how there's no one they've met that measures up to me. And I believe it. And in that moment, I want so bad to be able to make things work, but I know they can't. And it's one of the worst feelings in the world to have the very thing you want sitting two feet in front of you but knowing you're separated by miles. Now I can't stop thinking about this person or my decision to split with them all I know is I want them here with me now. It's so hard to say the right things to them and it's so hard to be friends because I want to be more but at the same time feel like I should try and move on. But I'm not ready to move on and if I do, it might crush the other person.

So now I'm almost back to square one. And I hate this person so much because they can do this to me and make me second guess myself and cut right through me. But I think I still love them. So I can't hold this person with my hands, but I can feel them in my heart. So should I believe it all?