Keep Calm & Carry On

Pitter-Pat

2011-03-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

Pitter-pat the angel on my shoulder
Is haunting me tonight
Tick-tock the clock
Is getting louder waiting for me to decide

I know it's been a while but here I am second guessing again. I'm going to try my best to refrain from being overly dramatic. Now here it is:

Please try not to gag. I have to decide: between two people.

One I want to hate. I want to be rid of him so much. I thought I loved him, but when I look back on it, I find myself looking at a relationship where I wasn't treated good enough. Now I don't need fancy things or every ounce of your attention. But I do want to know I mean the world to you and when you go home at night you're thinking of me. With him, I was never sure. And I still can't be sure. But every time I see him I feel like we should be together again and yet neither of us will say or do it. Plus who knows what he's been doing since we ended.

The other I want to love. He's so nice to me and so funny. He never fails to make me smile and I can talk to him for hours. But I'm just not sure I feel a real connection. Sometimes it seems like it, but then other times I'm not sure or I find myself thinking about the other one. He treats me how I should be treated and when I go home at night I know he's only thinking about me. But I'm thinking about them both and I feel so many different shades of guilty because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.

I'm so stuck. I think it's between something I want and something I need. I can't figure it out and I feel like I can't say anything to either of them because that would only tip off a giant triangle of drama- and I don't need drama.

I'm running out of time. And I can't decide.

Dancing

2010-11-29T16:19:00.000-08:00

And if you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance

Sometimes words can't quite express a feeling or a moment. Sometimes an action, a gesture, and a movement speak volumes. Sometimes these things can say everything you need to say without speaking. Here's a few dances that I thought were really inspiring and really amazing from "So You Think You Can Dance." I'm not really a TV junkie, but this show and what these people can do with their bodies is really cool. So here's a collection of some of my favorites.

Fix You - Robert and Allison
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TsR1yiAe9g&feature=related

If It Kills Me - Jeanine and Jason
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YN3yssIKnto&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Gravity - Kayla and Kupono
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_48OKZqYzHM&feature=related

This Woman's Work - Melissa and Ade
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1wr42lSuo8

Hallelujah - Alex and Allison
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HShpoVtjzko&feature=related

2 Steps Away - Kathryn and Legacy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etIvERHl0Qg&feature=related

Fallin' - Adechike and Comfort
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncgu_-7hCgY&feature=fvst

Calling You - Travis and Heidi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADBgqJgfU7M&feature=related

Silence - Jessica and Will
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNBSCdbJ6EM&feature=related

The Chairman's Waltz - Hok and Jamie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gF_izDK1jY

Why - Allison and Ivan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDecvqUb-tY&feature=related

Dancing - Lacey and Kameron
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFf1ZGxd70o&feature=related

Feel Real

2010-11-28T20:46:00.000-08:00

And if it's not real,
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it

Write about things that are real and true, write about things you know and you'll have something great. That's what I've heard anyways. So here I go writing about things that are real and true. At least to me.

Sometimes it feels like words are not enough. I can't describe what I'm feeling or thinking or what I want to be doing. Sometimes I completely and utterly don't understand myself. I search and I struggle for the right way to convey myself and my thoughts, but I feel like I always come up short, like I'm missing the key piece to explaining exactly what it is I'm trying to say. Is that crazy?

Sometimes I feel crazy - like I say and do things that make absolutely no sense. Sometimes I feel things that make no sense. I start writing with all these thoughts and things to say, but then I feel like I need to stop. I need to keep going and make myself write - even if I am crazy. The world is crazy.

I think I was in love. I say think because I don't know. It's not like I can't function without this person or not a second goes by where I don't think about this person, but we really had something. And it was something I never had with anyone else. Maybe it's because I was older, more mature, knew more about what I wanted, or maybe I was most honest. To be honest, I was almost as terrified of the way this person could make me feel as I was captivated by it. But they went off to college and so I decided to end it. And it was really hard to do that because I still don't know if that's what I wanted. Anyways, I thought it would be easy to be friends, but turns out neither of us was really ready to be friends and mixed up feelings coupled with little communication led to some misunderstandings and probably some feelings getting hurt. Regardless, they came back to visit and we met up and I felt a lot of the old things again. I had convinced myself I had moved on to a point, but I realize now that I don't think I did. I feel like I can't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. Anyways, the point is when we were together, I wanted to reach out and touch this person, I wanted to sit with our arms around each other, I wanted to kiss them. And something might have happened, but before it could, I stopped it. We talked about everything - or as much as we could talk about it and that was really hard too because I didn't know what would be said and if it would be what I wanted to hear. Turns out, neither of us really truly over the other one, but it feels useless to me to try and make something work because we are so far apart from each other, we both have such busy schedules, and who knows what goes on at college. I don't and in this case, I don't think I want to know. But then they go and tell me things like how special I am and how there's no one they've met that measures up to me. And I believe it. And in that moment, I want so bad to be able to make things work, but I know they can't. And it's one of the worst feelings in the world to have the very thing you want sitting two feet in front of you but knowing you're separated by miles. Now I can't stop thinking about this person or my decision to split with them all I know is I want them here with me now. It's so hard to say the right things to them and it's so hard to be friends because I want to be more but at the same time feel like I should try and move on. But I'm not ready to move on and if I do, it might crush the other person.

So now I'm almost back to square one. And I hate this person so much because they can do this to me and make me second guess myself and cut right through me. But I think I still love them. So I can't hold this person with my hands, but I can feel them in my heart. So should I believe it all?

Say "I Am"

2010-04-04T19:28:00.000-07:00

Don't take it for granted, no

We are all miracles

Say "I am wonderful"

We are all beautiful. We are all wonderful. Life is in itself a gift. Us and everything around us is really something beautiful and most of the time we don't even notice. Sometimes we need to just let go of most of the things in our life that trouble us or weigh us down. And remember that someone loves us, whether it is our family, our friends, or sorry to be a bit religious, God. And because someone loves us, our lives have a purpose. We have a reason to exist and to be. So we should never discount ourselves and even when things go wrong, even if they are terrible, remember that we are wonderful. And we are miracles. And no matter what anyone says or does, that will never change.

It just takes some time...

2010-04-01T17:30:00.000-07:00

It just takes some time

Little girl you're in the middle of the ride

Everything, everything'll be just fine

Everything, everything'll be alright, alright

Sometimes I don't understand people.

and i'm sure i'm not alone on this.

You're supposed to be nice to everyone, but honest, and for some reason, you can't be honest with people most of the time and be nice. I thought as you grow up, you're supposed to mature and be able to work out your problems. You should be able to be straight with people and they should be able to give you that in return. But for some reason, no matter how nice you are to people they turn on you anyways. It sorta makes you wonder, why bother being nice? Why bother keeping everything you want to say bottled up inside? How come people can't just give you back what you give them? I for one am sick of giving and giving only to come up short every time.

You may say "These people obviously aren't real friends" but it's not that easy. And no matter how much they abuse you, for some reason they need you anyways. And if you for one minute can't be there for them or decide not to or decide to for once tell them what you really think, they could make things a whole lot worse.

So you have a choice. Be who they want you to be and put up with all their crap or be who you want to be. alone. tough call.

I guess what i'm really trying to say is i can't wait for college.

Post 1

2010-03-25T21:59:00.000-07:00

I don't think people really actually read these that often, but maybe I'm mistaken. Regardless, if you happen to stumble across this page please don't expect to find anything spectacular, overtly reflective, or even relevant. But do expect to find my musings about anything and a general struggle with using these funny things called words to convey my thoughts.

Let's start with a something easy. A poem written just now. Inspired by a book I read.

And she looks at him
With broken eyes
And she’s bleeding
Her heart on the floor
Dashed and trampled
Under his look
Cruel, merciless eyes
That see all pain and hurt
And suffering
And remain barren
She pleads with him begs
Searches soundlessly
For anything in those eyes
And she’s dying slowly
And it is amazing how deadly
And brutal and unfeeling
Nothing can be